What's Your Government Press Release?

Yesterday supergee linked to this Template for News Stories on Government Data Gathering, which looks like it should be terribly helpful to all the lazy reporters out there. This being the Internet, somebody turned the template into "A Work of Interactive Satire"; and this being LiveJournal, I think we should turn it into a meme. So, if you go here, what press release do you get?

Under a top secret program initiated by the Bush Administration after the Sept. 11 attacks, the General Services Administration have been gathering a vast database of Dental records involving United States citizens.

"This program is a vital tool in the fight against terrorism," Celine Dion said. "Without it, we would dangerously unsafe, and the terrorists would have probably killed you and every other American citizen." The Bush Administration stated that the revelation of this program has severely compromised national security.

"This program is a threat to privacy and civil liberties," a privacy official, whose name cannot be disclosed for legal reasons said. But four pounds of finishing nails said: "This is a very limited program. It only contains detailed records about every American citizen. That's all. It does not compromise civil liberties. We have a series of procedures in place to protect liberty."

"We're not trolling through the personal data of Americans," Bush said, "we're just looking at all of their records."

The Federal Election Campaign Act regulates Dental records and typically requires a broomstick that once belonged to the Wicked Witch of the West. Although the General Services Administration did not obtain a broomstick that once belonged to the Wicked Witch of the West, the Bush Administration contends that the progam is "totally legal." According to the Attorney General, "we can use Jedi mind control. These aren't the droids you're looking for. The program is not corrupt. The President has total authority. The program is part of the President's emergency war powers."