::whimper::

Trying to restrain the urge to think about how pathetic my life is thanks to lack of energy and excess of pain. Not succeeding very well.

I wish I wish I wish I had the energy to take certain people up on their offers of various sorts.

I wish I wish I wish I had a social life, a career, *something*.

I wish I had more attractive options.

Some people tell me that my experience with fibro has made me a better person. Wonderful. So my past experiences have been invaluable. So why can't it all go into the past yet? Why does the present have to stink too?

With every fiber of my being, I hate being sick.

Ignore this.

So many choices people would give me that my body refuses to allow me to take. A normal person with a normal life could do things gladly, unthinkingly, that I cannot do at all.

Years I spent being able to do so little, so I spent any time I could trying to get better. Finally got well enough to think about getting a job maybe, went to get training and now at the end of a (to a normal person) very short workday I am so tired but maybe, on a good day, I can think of reasons not to throw myself under a train.

I worked so hard to get this far. I can't bear the thought of going back to what I was. So much pain, so much confusion, even my bad days now are better than my good days were then but my bad days are getting worse again.

People obviously care very much about me. I don't have the energy to care very much back, (though I do make exceptions, save just enough of my energy to care for a few).

Dear God, I did ask them not to let me think about this tonight.

Trying so hard to keep the sobbing quiet enough not to waken the housemates, nearly suffocating myself to keep myself from screaming.

I am so tired. I can't sleep.

Why the Hummingwolf doesn't buy astrology (reason #957)

As I sometimes do on days which stand out for one reason or another (such as, oh, a day when I'm still awake at 3 in the morning because I'm too crying too hard to sleep), I just checked out one of the online astrology sites for a lark. Went to one of the ultra-personalized ones, one that bases readings on your precise birth time and location (rather than merely your sun sign as the newspapers and magazines do).

Apparently, taking all the planetary forces into account, I'm quite likely to be cut off from my emotions at the moment. Too Vulcan-like. Too detached.

Wow. That was almost good for a laugh.