hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2002-01-22 02:48 am
hummingwolf) wrote2002-01-22 02:48 am
Ignore this.
So many choices people would give me that my body refuses to allow me to take. A normal person with a normal life could do things gladly, unthinkingly, that I cannot do at all.
Years I spent being able to do so little, so I spent any time I could trying to get better. Finally got well enough to think about getting a job maybe, went to get training and now at the end of a (to a normal person) very short workday I am so tired but maybe, on a good day, I can think of reasons not to throw myself under a train.
I worked so hard to get this far. I can't bear the thought of going back to what I was. So much pain, so much confusion, even my bad days now are better than my good days were then but my bad days are getting worse again.
People obviously care very much about me. I don't have the energy to care very much back, (though I do make exceptions, save just enough of my energy to care for a few).
Dear God, I did ask them not to let me think about this tonight.
Trying so hard to keep the sobbing quiet enough not to waken the housemates, nearly suffocating myself to keep myself from screaming.
I am so tired. I can't sleep.
Years I spent being able to do so little, so I spent any time I could trying to get better. Finally got well enough to think about getting a job maybe, went to get training and now at the end of a (to a normal person) very short workday I am so tired but maybe, on a good day, I can think of reasons not to throw myself under a train.
I worked so hard to get this far. I can't bear the thought of going back to what I was. So much pain, so much confusion, even my bad days now are better than my good days were then but my bad days are getting worse again.
People obviously care very much about me. I don't have the energy to care very much back, (though I do make exceptions, save just enough of my energy to care for a few).
Dear God, I did ask them not to let me think about this tonight.
Trying so hard to keep the sobbing quiet enough not to waken the housemates, nearly suffocating myself to keep myself from screaming.
I am so tired. I can't sleep.