hummingwolf | (no subject)

Preparation has a lot to do with how well one handles things. Did you do your homework? Then, ideally, you will be prepared to do well on this test. Unless you find out you picked up the wrong text at the college bookstore, you're in the wrong class and have done preparatory work that would have helped someone else but is completely and utterly useless to you.

My early life trained me well to live by directing vast amounts of energy toward intellectual pursuits, avoiding people much of the time because I'd figured out early on that most people would hurt and betray me given half a chance. Then I ended up with an illness that drains my energy, leaves me unable to concentrate on the things I trained myself to do for so long--but somehow I ended with more and more wonderful friends than I would have thought possible when I was younger. I don't have a clue how to make a life out of this. Somebody with a completely different background would have no problem with it, I'm sure.

On an unrelated note, whatever happened to Toni Childs? And why is an album called House of Hope one of the most depressing albums in my collection?

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I disagree. I think someone from a different background would still have a problem with it. Maybe a different problem, but still a problem.

A person who seems content is simply doing their angsting privately. Everyone can have a problem with whatever they've got if they try hard enough, and just about everyone tries hard enough.

But if you want to envy people, that's cool, too. I can see how it would be easy to envy people who, say, aren't limited to three cluttered rooms and the vast dark expanses of their own minds. But i can't prove that such people exist.

Oh, I wasn't saying that other people don't have problems. Believe me, I know lots of people who are dealing with things I would hate to have to go through! But the thing is that, though I know very few people who are living the lives they want to live, most people are living lives they seem to be reasonably well prepared for. They're using lessons they learned as small children to work with the situations they've got as adults, and their hard-earned knowledge seems to be pretty much the knowledge they need. With me, it's as if (and yes, I know I'm exaggerating again) the universe first taught me "You can't trust other people; you must rely on yourself," then turned around and told me, "You can't rely on yourself; you must trust other people," leaving me standing here spluttering with rage while the universe mocks me from a distance.

But yes, I know I'm exaggerating. I've always had at least some people I could trust, and I can still write and reason better than the average person on most days. I know that I'm not totally unprepared for what I'm dealing with any more than all the people around me are totally prepared for what they're dealing with. It just seems to me that my life did a more drastic turnaround than most lives do and it's left me feeling pretty clueless for rather a long time.

I do know the feeling. I'm in it myself. Or did you know that already? But I also know that this whole "life's lessons" thing is just a metaphor, and like any metaphor, you can only push it so far before it becomes utter BS. After a certain level, we get to the part where we're all just bits of consciousness mashed uncomfortably into corporeal bodies, thrown into something ironicaly called "existence" and left to make what we can out of it. All of our fancy-schmancy contemplating is just our attempt to make something out of it. All of our building and creating and destroying and our perceptions that we are similar or separate from anyone or anything else. It's all just stuff we made up. In truth, we're all just stuck helplessly moving in some direction or other, waiting. Dissatisfied. Confused.

Geez, I'm really in a mood, aren't i? maybe some kilocalories would help.

this is by someone using the name litcritter:

6. Life is supposed to be easy. Living is an improvisational art; you've got to let it flow.

7. Life is supposed to be hard. Sometimes there is unspeakable pain. There is grief, there is loss, there is anguish and dismay. And when these bad things land on your doorstep, you either invite them in for tea and see what they have to say for themselves, or you sit inside, afraid to go out your own door. But the sooner you invite them in, the sooner you can go out to play.

8. It is not true that 'things happen for a reason.' Actually, things just happen. Our job as humans is to find a reason, or to make one. Our brains are hard-wired to see pictures in the fire, and there is no better instrument than the human soul for stitching silver linings into thunderclouds.

9. Don't let yourself be trapped into being who you used to be if that's not who you are anymore.

10. Treat every single being you encounter with respect, kindness, and compassion. Include yourself on that list.

i'm not putting those here as a way of saying 'get over it' or 'just smile' or 'don't worry,be happy'...i hope you don't take it that way.

i often feel frustrated that i can't have better answers for people...but all i've got is empathy and wisdom from others most of the time! still,i hope you accept it in the spirit it is given.

i saw a quote recently that would have fit your dilemma perfectly,but silly me didn't write it down. it's something on the idea that we go through life making it up as we go along...'winging it',so to speak. but we've got to give ourselves credit for all the improvisation we do not to mention the courage to get out of bed in the morning!

funny you should mention toni childs. just yesterday i dug up her 'union',which is an album i love. i think i bought 'house of hope' but never listened to it much. 'union' is wistful and other things,but it ends on a hopeful note with a song with lyrics i adore (and i'm not much of a lyrics person)...'where's the ocean?' do you have that cd? if not, let me know and i'll share the lyrics with you if you are interested.

i hope you have a good day and enjoy that big beautiful sun!

Thanks for commenting! I know on a rational level that we're all winging it, yet it's still frustrating when I think, "But I did everything I was supposed to do! Why doesn't it work anymore? Waaah!" And then I stand around spluttering with rage while the universe laughs at me.

I've got three Toni Childs CDs, so I know what you mean about "Where's the Ocean?" Have you heard The Woman's Boat? As far as I know, that was the last one she recorded.

It's a sunny day here--finally! We're supposed to get the rain back by Wednesday though, so the time for enjoying the big beautiful sun is limited. Still, it's good to see bright light and blue sky for a change.

"I'd figured out early on that most people would hurt and betray me given half a chance."

HW, what made you decide that was the way life was? First, I disagree you "figured it out," because I don't believe what you say is true in the least; second, what on earth would have made you feel that way at such a young age? (This is Jenny, by the by .)

It just strikes me as sad that even as a young child, when most kids were blithely hopping around grinning and having a mindless blast, you felt in danger. :-(

HW, what made you decide that was the way life was? First, I disagree you "figured it out," because I don't believe what you say is true in the least;

Because for the unpopular kid that was me in early elementary school, it was true. The kids who called themselves my friends at the private school were the ones who pounded me into the dirt--literally, though I don't know if my body still carries those scars.

second, what on earth would have made you feel that way at such a young age? (This is Jenny, by the by .)

Well, see above. The kids at the old school who were having a mindless blast were having the mindless blast at my expense. The things that happened in second and third grade had a big effect on me.

I don't know. Bryan's been dealing with hellacious teasing for five months now, and he just told me about it. It's been all of his classmates ganging up on him, the evil midgets, and he was scared to talk to me or an adult, because he feared it would get worse for him. I have a girlfriend, Kris, whose 4th grade son Connor has been in the same situation (also, for him, in 3rd grade).

Trust me, Kris and I talk about bullying a lot and its effects on kids. I just know that being bullied isn't on its own going to be the deciding factor that means a child decides that life is painful. And yes, for Connor the bullying was violent, even to the point where a s**thead was kicked out for physical abusing that sweet kid.

Of course, Bryan and Connor are both sensitive boys, and other kids don't get that. I'm sure other people sensed that you were "different," and then there were unpopular people like me who would go along to get along, if it meant saving themselves from bearing the brunt of the alpha female pack beasts.

I guess what I'm trying to get at--and I totally understand if you want to save this for a more private forum!--is that many children get bullied, but not all come away with the same worldview you formulated.

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what are those pits doing in my bowl?

Re: what are those pits doing in my bowl?

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