(no subject)

[hummingwolf]

Lately I find myself constantly thinking how to act, how I'm supposed to act. I must concentrate on acting like I am happy when I am happy, on acting like I'm in pain when I'm in pain, on acting like I'm afraid the landlord will kick me out when I'm afraid the landlord will kick me out. No reaction can be my instinctive reaction; my innate behavior is not good enough. I don't act enough like me. I don't know how.

How do I act like the person I am? What would she do in the situation I'm in? Well, why don't I ask her? Oh, she can't answer me clearly, she's just confused. Better ask someone else.

All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. But I haven't learned my lines yet! And I'm certain this isn't the part I tried out for. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, while I stand in the wings trying to figure out my motivation for this scene.

Comments

[holyoutlaw.livejournal.com]

A LOT of effort is put into telling us to ignore the "still, small voice" from a very early age. Women moreso than men, I believe, but everyone. The voice that would tell us what we really want, as opposed to the (sometimes much louder) voices of parents, teachers, doctors, -- authority -- telling us what we think authority wants.

This is general pontification when you're in a very specific situation, but I hope it's not annoying at least. Hah! Take care.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Most of my discomfort lately comes from dealing with people I'm trying to convince I need help--that doctor on Monday who didn't know anything about my disability, or the people at social services. People tend to feel other people are trustworthy if they behave in expected ways. I've found over the years that my automatic reactions aren't always what's expected. Usually not fitting into stereotypical boxes is a good thing, but not these days. These days I find myself in the ridiculous position of trying to convincingly act like what I am--and it's tiring!

[sophy.livejournal.com]

Man, can I relate to that.

I've spent most of my life trying to figure out how to be "real."

Whatever that means.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Life would be so much easier if there were a better correlation being your real self and being seen as "real."

[skygypsy.livejournal.com]

trying to manage other peoples' perceptions of oneself, especially people who have control over something so important as your physical survival and welfare, really IS tiring, and very stressful, and only adds to your health problems. i actually once up and quit my job rather than deal again with going on medical leave, b/c it used to piss me off that i had to constantly prove my illness to people who were fucking clueless about the nature of my illness and used to dealing w/dishonest people trying to rip off The System. (as it turned out tho, my boss offered me personal leave. that was surprising and i was deeply DEEPLY grateful. especially since i was able to maintain health insurance)

but enough about me.
*grin*

*sigh*
dunno, hun, hang in there, i am trying to help you manifest your much-deserved disability monetary support!!!! wish i had my cushy job so i could send you some green stuff. :(

i know you're exhausted and brain fuzzy, but try to help educate the people who are evaluating you for disability. i can't imagine your sincerity and honor not coming through.

*HUGS*

I wish you luck

[zarnovich.livejournal.com]

The understanding of oneself, is the first step on the path towards true growth and happiness. Though small in retrospect, this step is probably the single most difficult.