(no subject)

[hummingwolf]

Lately I find myself constantly thinking how to act, how I'm supposed to act. I must concentrate on acting like I am happy when I am happy, on acting like I'm in pain when I'm in pain, on acting like I'm afraid the landlord will kick me out when I'm afraid the landlord will kick me out. No reaction can be my instinctive reaction; my innate behavior is not good enough. I don't act enough like me. I don't know how.

How do I act like the person I am? What would she do in the situation I'm in? Well, why don't I ask her? Oh, she can't answer me clearly, she's just confused. Better ask someone else.

All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players. But I haven't learned my lines yet! And I'm certain this isn't the part I tried out for. They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts, while I stand in the wings trying to figure out my motivation for this scene.

Comments

[holyoutlaw.livejournal.com]

A LOT of effort is put into telling us to ignore the "still, small voice" from a very early age. Women moreso than men, I believe, but everyone. The voice that would tell us what we really want, as opposed to the (sometimes much louder) voices of parents, teachers, doctors, -- authority -- telling us what we think authority wants.

This is general pontification when you're in a very specific situation, but I hope it's not annoying at least. Hah! Take care.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Most of my discomfort lately comes from dealing with people I'm trying to convince I need help--that doctor on Monday who didn't know anything about my disability, or the people at social services. People tend to feel other people are trustworthy if they behave in expected ways. I've found over the years that my automatic reactions aren't always what's expected. Usually not fitting into stereotypical boxes is a good thing, but not these days. These days I find myself in the ridiculous position of trying to convincingly act like what I am--and it's tiring!