Notes to various

[hummingwolf]

Of course you feel like your world is falling apart--the world as you knew it is falling apart. The fact that you feel like you're on shaky ground is not evidence that you are a weak and pathetic person; it is a natural, human reaction to what life has brought you. Let yourself grieve for what you've lost, for what you're still losing. You are strong enough to live through this, and you are loved.

You think nobody notices what your real obsession is? Dream on, honey. People become what they focus on, and what you're focusing on isn't pretty. You haven't yet become the thing you hate, but you are closer to it now than you were a year ago.

Quit trying to "Think Positive" and just take an honest look at the world around you. You are so intent on finding the supposed bright side to each dark cloud in your life that you don't notice all the genuinely, unequivocally good things there are. You would be much happier if you didn't waste so much good energy trying to be happy.

Yes, I know I'm irritating you. This is because I have been acting as your mirror. The reason it seems I reflect only the parts of you you don't want to see is that you don't want to see yourself at all. This is a mistake on your part: you are much better than you know. You're also much more irritating than you know, but that's human nature for you.

Your moods go up and down like a colorful bouncy ball. I'd offer my sympathies, but you seem to be having fun with it. Go you!

You let them take advantage of you because you believe them when they say things will be different this time. They rationalize away the guilt because they believe you when you say that you'll be different this time. There is no mystery here.

Are you really as even-tempered as you seem? 'Cos if you are, that's incredibly nifty. Do you know how rare you are?

Grrr... rotting fruit left on the kitchen counter really isn't cool, you know. It's better than the other housemate who left a meat dish sitting on the stove for a week, but standards need to be higher than that around here.

I can't think of a way to tell you without embarrassing the both of us, but I think I want to be you when I grow up.

Comments

[blue-by-you.livejournal.com]

I wish I had the guts to do this. I've thought about it but it might sound too positive and that just looks foolish and unreal. When you're free to say it, isn't it amazing how well it gets said?

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I don't know how well it got said. I just know I needed to say it.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

amen to that. these kinds of posts always scare the hell out of me.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Well, if you can read yourself into the complaint about food left on the counter in a kitchen here in Maryland, then you've got a lot of creativity you might want to put to better use. ;-)

Seriously, this wasn't meant as one of "these kinds of posts." This was just me, saying stuff I needed to say but couldn't say directly to the individuals involved (in one case, just because it was too early in the morning to say anything to them!). It's just a diary entry, not something meant to scare people.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

Well, without clarification, it felt to me like one of those posts. I could tell some were about specific people you lived with or whatever, but others were more vauge and it's easy to read into them and feel anxious about it.

It's your journal absolutley to do what you wish with, but you have to accept that if you're going to share entries that sound like vauge insults without clarification, some of the people who read the entries will be worried about whether or not they pertain to them.
I happen to be one of those people. And I was agreeing with someone else who stated that they were uncomfortable with such a post. That's all.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

but you have to accept that if you're going to share entries that sound like vauge insults without clarification, some of the people who read the entries will be worried about whether or not they pertain to them.

I understand that some people have instinctive reactions, so that their first response to something negative is to worry that it's about them. But after that, they have a choice. They can choose to go along with a belief they know is irrational, or they can choose to recognize that their fears are unfounded. Heck, considering the notes were mostly positive, they can choose to believe something positive is about them.

You're a member of pronoia! You know all about these choices. :-)

[sophy.livejournal.com]

It's not like I sat around all day worrying about if the comment was about me. It made me anxious in the moment, and I commented about that.
You don't necessarily have to understand how someone's brain works to respect it. I can't always choose pronioa. It's a process that I am working on.

[lindsaybits]

Heh. I tend to wonder if all of the good things are about me. Maybe that means i'm egotistical? I dunno. It's amusing, nonetheless.

[nalidoll.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'm amused, anyways.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Pronoia is more fun than paranoia anyway!

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

the paranoiacs on your friends list, who can read themselves into anything negative

Well, yes, that's how paranoiacs are defined, isn't it? Someone who couldn't read themselves into the negative things wouldn't be able to claim the coveted "paranoiac" title, could they?

Seriously, I don't want to offend anyone unnecessarily, but I also don't want to censor myself unnecessarily. This is my only journal. One day last week I felt the need to use it as a journal, saying things here that, for one reason or another, I couldn't say directly to people (although some of them I *have* said since, oh and fortunately did not have to hunt down the housemate who left all the food on the counter since they finally removed it).

As has been discussed over in your journal, it's a balancing act, what we say in our spaces and what we keep to ourselves. I do try not to say things I *know* will pain people. But when it comes to the things I feel the need to let out somewhere... well, I can't try to fit everything I write in between the cracks left by other people's quirks. I have enough quirks of my own to deal with! :-)

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I didn't mean it as a joke. (Okay, the "coveted" part was an attempt at levity, though not the best one.) In your comment, you *defined* paranoia. But I already knew the meaning of that. What I *don't* know is how a person--*any* person--can live a life taking into account all the quirks of everyone they know, you know? I mean, you already know I have a high opinion of you. I can understand that your first, uncontrolled reaction to a negative comment someplace would be "Oh no! they're referring to me!" But when you know the person has a good opinion of you, *continuing* to believe that they've suddenly changed their mind about you is a choice I do not understand.

I'm sorry if anything I said hurt you. It was not meant to. It really didn't have anything to do with you.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I'll screen your comments, since it seems you're more comfortable that way? Sorry if I've embarrassed you any.

::hug::

[lyssabard.livejournal.com]

You know, there never fails to be gems of wisdom and common sense from you during the weeks, and I just want you to know that I am reading and I appreciate them.

And you, of course. *HUG*

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Lyssa.

::hugs back::

[lindsaybits]

Holy CRAP... someone else who's heard of Laura Love? GOOD TIMES! She's way nifty, yes indeedy. Like Ani Difranco's level-headed sister or something.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Yes! I bought The Laura Love Collection way back when it was new-ish, got Octoroon when it was pretty new, ran low on money & stopped buying CDs, and was eventually gifted with a copy of Fourteen Days. I love my Laura Love albums!

[lindsaybits]

So far the only one i have is Octoroon; i keep intending to get more, but there's that whole money thing. lol.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Yes, that whole money thing gets in the way of so many things. It's kinda pesky that way.

[nalidoll.livejournal.com]

I just had to tell you that posts of this sort amuse me. A Lot. People's reactions to them amuse me, really.

I've considered doing a bazillion of them, but I tend not to. Because those reactions amuse me less when they flood my inbox. Much less.
One can only take so much "OMG... I don't know if you were talking about me, but I thought you might have been and I just wanted to explain, in case you are, but if you weren't then just ignore this (three page paranoid ramble)..."

I've learned to completely suspend my couriosity when it comes to things like this. It is a useful trick, and as a bonus it drives people insane when they are trying to get me riled up because they won't tell me something.
So I think other people should make these a regular feature, because then I get to enjoy all of the amusement with none of the inbox-flooding-horror.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

See, this wasn't meant as a post "of this sort." It just kinda happened that way, I guess. I felt the need to use my one & only journal as a journal, and it ended up looking like a bunch of other journal entries do.

"OMG... I don't know if you were talking about me, but I thought you might have been and I just wanted to explain, in case you are, but if you weren't then just ignore this (three page paranoid ramble)..."

Heh. I have gotten that kind of reaction for the most unlikely reasons, from people who really should have known better. (I remember making a post complaining about "normal" people once. A long-time non-LJ friend of mine thought I was talking about them, which is insane since no long-time friends of mine could possibly qualify as normal. Years later, I still can't figure out how my friend could have ignored such an obvious fact so completely.)

[nalidoll.livejournal.com]

You know, that's exactly why I want to make what would end up being "that sort of post". Because sometimes you *have* to say something, but for whatever reasons can't say it to the person directly.

I tend to be a bit more aggressive about the saying-things-directly than most people, but I still have moments when I realize it is more hassle than help, yet I still need to say it *somewhere*.

I've been getting to that point. Thus the BitchAway Cafe opening again and the side-rants of my own going up. I still feel like I am going to burst, though.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

You know, it was much less hassle to make "that sort of post" back when the friends list consisted of three people.

The BitchAway Cafe is a great thing, even if I haven't taken advantage of it this time around.