Today

[hummingwolf]

Woke up too hot & tired to do much of anything, so since the library wasn't open today, I spent a few hours listening to music on Launch while trying to stay conscious. Also watched the day's reruns of Buffy (Willow returns from England) and Angel (Lindsey is rescued from a cute little Hell). Finally dragged myself out of the house this evening to go buy an onion. On the way to the store, saw one of the cheerfulest sights you can see in the summertime: a pair of goldfinches flying around a stand of sunflowers. Since birds see a different part of the electromagnetic spectrum than we do, do they see themselves as closely matching the flowers? Or can that particular beauty be appreciated only by a being with a human's limitations?

Inside the store, there were no worthwhile onions at all, and very little decent produce of any kind. All I could find that seemed worth buying were some kiwi fruits, so I looked in other parts of the store for cheap canned goods. (That store's "Reduced for Quick Sale" section has contained interesting items lately, which would explain why there are sausage soup, blackcurrant nectar, and buckwheat flour here in my bedroom.) Saw a few other things I could use at prices which didn't make me squeak and went to stand in line.

The line wasn't moving. None of the lines were moving. All of the clerks were having problems ringing up the orders of people whose carts were full to overflowing and why the heck was I standing there with a few small fruits and cans of things I don't really want that anyway? All I wanted was an onion and there are no good onions left here!

I gave up. I put my items back (mostly where I'd found them) and left the store. Something about the shopping experience must have seemed like a metaphor to my subconscious brain, because soon I was hit by waves of panic and anger about all the things lacking in my life, all the health problems and money problems and lost chances and and and. Fortunately it was twilight by then, so most people in the parking lot didn't see my face. One woman walking by did look at me warily as if I might be dangerous. I walked under shadows of trees after that.

Sobbing as I walked up the street. Sobbing more quietly as I came into the house. Then for some strange reason I thought about looking up that guy online. Found his site with the quote on it, did some searching to find out who else used that quote, ran across this site, and instead of wasting precious energy being panicked over things I could do nothing about, I found myself in a halfway decent mood.

Distractibility can be a survival skill.

Comments

[dcjensen.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hummingwolf}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

::hugs back::

[(Anonymous)]

(((virtual hug from miss prune)))

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

::hug back::

[jennixen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know exactly how you feel.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Jennix.

The goldfinches & sunflowers were fun to look at, though.

::hugs::

[compostwormbin.livejournal.com]

Something about the shopping experience must have seemed like a metaphor to my subconscious brain, because soon I was hit by waves of panic and anger about all the things lacking in my life, all the health problems and money problems and lost chances and and and. Fortunately it was twilight by then, so most people in the parking lot didn't see my face. One woman walking by did look at me warily as if I might be dangerous. I walked under shadows of trees after that.

Sobbing as I walked up the street. Sobbing more quietly as I came into the house.

Wow. I went through a very similar thought process yesterday. You describe it very well, I suspect better than I have ben able to so far. I can't decide if it's a healthy way for me to accept the reality of my situation with chronic illness and process my grief or if it's better for me to distract myself as much as possible. I suspect a bit of both are necessary and that balancing the two is somewhat of an art form that I haven't quite mastered as yet.

I could use a distraction tonight - I'll check out that link now...

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Most of the fortunes on that site are better than anything I've ever gotten in a cookie. I hope you were suitably distracted!