hummingwolf | (no subject)

Had a phone conversation with someone I don't always get along with. Good convo overall, only minimally annoying for both of us. I did realize something interesting, though. The other person was telling me about a recent business transaction which went much better for them than they'd expected. Thing was that as they talked about it, they focused more and more on what was advantageous for the other person and sounded frustrated that the other person had also gotten a lot out of the deal. Apparently their first impulse is to think that, no matter how well things work out for them, it's not a good business deal unless the other person's been put at a disadvantage. They sounded happy again when I reminded them of the good things they'd gained, so it's not as if they need to feel that they're the only person who gains something in an exchange. But still, their first reaction was apparently that if the other person hasn't clearly lost something, then they must have been cheated.

So now I'm wondering if I'd get along better with the person if I complained more. After all, if they're happier thinking that the person they're dealing with is at a disadvantage, maybe they'd be less cranky if I reminded them of all the bad things in my life... Nah, I can't focus on the badness all the time without going crazy, even if it does cheer up the other person. But at least I can try to remind them more often of what they've gained in the hopes that the shift in focus will keep them from sliding into full-fledged grouch mode.

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Still, if you ever feel like complaining to someone, you've got this person who'd love to hear it! Dude, most people would KILL for that opportunity! Cool! ;-)

Heh. Actually, I think complaining might trigger their competitive impulse. "So what if you've got all these problems? I have arthritis in my big toe!" Or, erm, something like that.

Yes, I like that plan better. Painting yourself as a miserable person to cheer them up is a huge sacrifice on your part, and will only feed their insecure attitude in an unhealthy and unhelpful way.

I hope this person gains some maturity and self-respect soon. But that's their responsibility. You shouldn't have to play self-defense games with them in the meantime.

You shouldn't have to play self-defense games with them in the meantime.

No, but at least now I've got a hint as to why they've been so difficult to get along with all this time. I always thought that an agreement where both people gain something is a good agreement, but it looks like not everybody thinks that way after all.

I think - I hope - that people who think like that person are the exception, though. It's an unusually unhealthy perspective. I can only begin to imagine what causes a person to think that way. Much self-loathing, possibly.

However, I may be like you, assuming that benevolent, halfway healthy perspectives are the norm. Which is a good thing! I don't want to change my expectations just because they're too optimistic to be accurate.