hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2003-10-09 02:28 pm
hummingwolf) wrote2003-10-09 02:28 pm
Quick update
On Monday I turned 34, which felt pretty much exactly like 33. Spent the day running errands, with my time at home either playing with fractals on my computer or collapsed in bed.
Tuesday I went to the doctor, then ran errands.
Wednesday I ran errands.
Today I should be running errands, but I can't. I'm wiped. And there will be consequences for not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know if I'll ever have the energy to deal with those consequences.
Every time I have to fill out a form detailing the extent of my disabilities, there's always a section asking if I can keep track of my finances all by myself, a section asking if I can do my own personal hygiene, a section asking if I can do housework. I always answer those questions in the affirmative, but it finally hit me today that I can't. Not now. I don't know if it's the physical problems or the depression--or how much of the depression has physical causes--but I haven't been able to balance my checkbook since sometime in the spring, my room hasn't had a good cleaning since January, and even my ability to brush my own hair has gone seriously downhill in the last month or so. I can't do all of these things without assistance anymore, and I don't have the energy to find out how I can get that assistance. I don't even have the energy to prove to anyone that I don't have the energy, and how screwed up is that?
I used to be motivated by dreams, goals, and plans. Even after my health went seriously downhill, I had goals and dreams and attempted to find ways to make them all reality. But my only real goal these days is to keep myself alive for one more week and frankly, that thought is not very motivating.
Tuesday I went to the doctor, then ran errands.
Wednesday I ran errands.
Today I should be running errands, but I can't. I'm wiped. And there will be consequences for not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know if I'll ever have the energy to deal with those consequences.
Every time I have to fill out a form detailing the extent of my disabilities, there's always a section asking if I can keep track of my finances all by myself, a section asking if I can do my own personal hygiene, a section asking if I can do housework. I always answer those questions in the affirmative, but it finally hit me today that I can't. Not now. I don't know if it's the physical problems or the depression--or how much of the depression has physical causes--but I haven't been able to balance my checkbook since sometime in the spring, my room hasn't had a good cleaning since January, and even my ability to brush my own hair has gone seriously downhill in the last month or so. I can't do all of these things without assistance anymore, and I don't have the energy to find out how I can get that assistance. I don't even have the energy to prove to anyone that I don't have the energy, and how screwed up is that?
I used to be motivated by dreams, goals, and plans. Even after my health went seriously downhill, I had goals and dreams and attempted to find ways to make them all reality. But my only real goal these days is to keep myself alive for one more week and frankly, that thought is not very motivating.
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