Quick update

[hummingwolf]

On Monday I turned 34, which felt pretty much exactly like 33. Spent the day running errands, with my time at home either playing with fractals on my computer or collapsed in bed.

Tuesday I went to the doctor, then ran errands.

Wednesday I ran errands.

Today I should be running errands, but I can't. I'm wiped. And there will be consequences for not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I don't know if I'll ever have the energy to deal with those consequences.


Every time I have to fill out a form detailing the extent of my disabilities, there's always a section asking if I can keep track of my finances all by myself, a section asking if I can do my own personal hygiene, a section asking if I can do housework. I always answer those questions in the affirmative, but it finally hit me today that I can't. Not now. I don't know if it's the physical problems or the depression--or how much of the depression has physical causes--but I haven't been able to balance my checkbook since sometime in the spring, my room hasn't had a good cleaning since January, and even my ability to brush my own hair has gone seriously downhill in the last month or so. I can't do all of these things without assistance anymore, and I don't have the energy to find out how I can get that assistance. I don't even have the energy to prove to anyone that I don't have the energy, and how screwed up is that?

I used to be motivated by dreams, goals, and plans. Even after my health went seriously downhill, I had goals and dreams and attempted to find ways to make them all reality. But my only real goal these days is to keep myself alive for one more week and frankly, that thought is not very motivating.

Comments

[sophy.livejournal.com]

If you're like me, the motivation and even the ability to do things, waxes and wanes. This probably isn't the big dead end for you. It will all come back to you.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

That may be, but my motivation has been at an all-time low pretty much for all 2003. Feeling like some alien thing has been sucking my energy and will to live for all these months doesn't give me much hope that things will improve enough for me to requalify for food stamps, med. benefits & stuff by the end of the month, you know?

For several years there, my life was improving. I don't know what to do with the sheer suckiness of things right now.

[sophy.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things have gotten so low. I have also experienced a number of years where it seemed like things were getting better and better and then everything came tumbling down. It's hard to keep any kind of hope or faith when that happens.

[chevrefeuilles.livejournal.com]

A belated happy birthday wish to you. Sorry that you are having so many health difficulties. Here's looking forward to better times, better birthdays.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry, cb. i wish i could infuse some energy into you, but even if it were possible, i'm such a screw-up, it wouldn't help you much. will yesterday's doctor visit further your paperwork? by which i mean, will the doctor be doing anything for you toward getting it done? i hope so.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

The doctor who saw me on Tuesday was a substitute while the regular doctor's on vacation. He should be giving her a form I need filled out, though, so hopefully I'll have something new to give the bureaucrats next week.

Thanks for good wishes, Vicki. :-)

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

HW you said that you were seeing a counselor, or that you were approved to see one?

Perhaps some meds and talking might help the depression.

And every little bit that you get done pushes the dark back a little more.

Heck, you got me a fractal in record time. Can't be entirely unmotivated.

Anyways, I am here for you. So are lots of other people.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I can get psych. help from the state as long as I'm part of this Medicaid program, yes. But still haven't found the time & energy to find a psychologist, much less make an appointment and go to it.

As for meds: I still need to get my Ritalin refilled and start taking a new painkiller. Again, haven't had the chance to do that. Standard antidepressants are out of the question (unless you count Ritalin, which is sometimes prescribed for atypical depression) since all the meds I've ever taken which raise serotonin levels have made my fibromyalgia symptoms worse. Since my physical problems are a big reason for the depression, making those worse would not be a helpful thing.

I know you're there for me, Un. But I need someone here for me. As in, someone who can help me find a way to deal with local bureaucracy, someone who can help me pick up prescriptions, someone who can make appointments for me, someone who can help me balance the dang checkbook... doing (or trying to do) all this stuff on my own is wearing me out in a big big way.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

I know, I know.

Sorry that I can't really help.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Knowing you're there really does help. I just need other help too, that's all.

::hugs::

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

Yep. You need trained monkey. I hear the OZ ones are good.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

Oh, and welcome to the Old Geezer Club.

Dang, broke my hip writing that.

hummingwolf! bear here.

[bearybipolar.livejournal.com]

hummingwolf!

bear here.

i think your playing with fractals is
a very important creative outlet
for you right now . . .

loved the purple one that you sent me!

i'd be totally lost without all the
cooking and cleaning that my wife does . . .

and errand running . . .

34 seems like ancient history to me . . .

very few peeps on lj are older than
my age of 47 . . .

sorry that you were bummed out on
your birthday . . .

trouble with personal hygenie is
one of the more "grody" parts
of mental illness . . .

while there is life there's hope!

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers . . .

::HUGS::

Bear

Re: hummingwolf! bear here.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked the fractal!

As for hygiene--I'm not really grody. My hair's a little bit tangled, but I'm still clean! Mostly my lack of energy is obvious in the state of my room and my finances.

Wasn't really bummed out on my birthday. Mostly just bored, having to do necessary but uninteresting errand-running all day.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

[windsparrow.livejournal.com]

/me sends HW some snuggles. Then bottles some Harvey-purrs (with allergenic factors filtered out) and send them along, too.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Many thanks, Andi!

[skygypsy.livejournal.com]

yea, it's definitely the depression making it difficult to do those things.

*sigh*

i feel so helpless to help you.

i wish you were here so i could drive you to the doc and pick up your meds for you.

:/

i wish hope were an easy thing to infuse; i would send you boxes of it every day!!

i truly hope you can make it through this to a life filled with love and joy and lacking in the pain and depression which so fills your world now and for so long.

i do belive in my heart that you can make it through, but honey, i wish i knew HOW. i hope with all my heart that the "how" works itself out. and SOON!!!

*huggles and choclate*
pixinator

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

/me shares huggles and chocolate with the Pixinator.

[gurdonark.livejournal.com]

If it helps, I don't balance a checkbook, maintain my room, or look particularly well combed, and I don't have depression.

But I hope that things improve. I can see how this would be difficult.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thanks for adding your hopes to the list. Maybe if enough people send enough hope this way, I'll be able to hang on to a little of it for a while.