[EXPLETIVE DELETED]

So I've been sick with bronchitis or some kind of respiratory nastiness for most of the year so far, was finally feeling better for a few days, then lapsed back into coughing the night before last. Last night got very little sleep because I couldn't breathe while lying down and couldn't sleep while sitting up. Every surface of my body feels like it's been set on fire, which makes sitting down, lying down, wearing clothes, etc. fairly uncomfortable. As I sit here in my room, I keep losing feeling in my fingers and toes, watching my hands and nails turning a lovely shade of bluish white. Can barely eat. Ran out of facial tissues, am down to using cheap toilet paper for wiping up the nasal excretions. Developing a headache. Spent the morning either doing random things online (couldn't focus enough for anything sustained) or wandering around the house trying to get feeling back in the extremities.

It's fair to say that I haven't been a happy camper today.

Was idly pondering how bad it has to get before I can get myself to call 911, wondering if absence of all facial tissue when I'm leaking this much constitutes an emergency. Called social services yet again; got no answer.

After eating some Indian pickled substance to try to clear out the nasal passages more quickly, brought in the mail. There was something from the state dep't of human resources, a nice thick envelope. News? Genuine news?

Well, the review team established that I am not engaged in any gainful activity, have severe impairments, have "marked restrictions of activities of daily living, marked difficulties with social functioning, constant difficulties" and the paragraph cut off there. It went on to say that I cannot return to my past relevant work (whatever that may be, seeing that there is no work history). However, they say that I should still be able to perform any of these three jobs: Desk Clerk, Data Entry, Telemarketing--and am therefore not disabled.

There is no information in the envelope on what kind of appeals process is available here to point out that hey, all of those jobs kinda require a person to be able to sit for a while without the whole passing out thing I've been getting. Am guessing that this decision is the reason why I have not heard about cash benefits, but do not know that this is the case because no-one has mailed me or phoned me with any relevant information.

My previous psychologist had offered to do whatever she can to help me if this sort of thing happened, but unfortunately she stopped seeing any clients at the end of last year due to her own health problems. I am trying to make an appointment with a new psych. at the same office, but I don't know how I can possibly get to the office if I still have no cash.

My mood is not improving. My mood is seriously not improving.