Still Here

I'm still reading others' journals and such, I just haven't had much to say these last few days. Well, I very nearly posted a deep and meaningful post yesterday, but the fit passed. Mostly my thoughts have been about boring, practical things: Is this a good day to go to the grocery store, or will my body decide to punish me if I do? If I go, should I buy chicken parts? I'll see if they're on sale; maybe I can buy one of the more expensive kinds of cheese for a change as well, since I've mostly been eating beans and rice...

Little things bubble to the surface of my consciousness. These jeans feel tighter than I'm used to--am I getting too fat? Look in the mirror while wearing both jeans and glasses and sanity returns. Not as skinny as I used to be, but "not as skinny" doesn't even come near the region of "too fat." Now that I remember that fact, I can consume my strawberry cheesecake ice cream with a clear conscience.

TV viewing next week: The Apprentice has a 2-hour finale! Oh, but can I stand to miss Tru Calling? Well, yes, though I do like that show too. I won't be watching the Dateline segment on the apprentice-wannabes though, not if there's a new Angel episode on at the same time. I do have priorities.

Little thoughts. Mostly I'm trying to avoid thinking about the Social Security hearing. I don't want to think about the possibility of things not working out well, since I really don't see any other ways for me to continue my existence without the help. How can anyone think I could get and keep a job when I couldn't even make it into DC to see the cherry blossoms in peak blooom? (I keep waking up with the song "Cherry Blossom Girl" running through my head.) Even making sure that I can get to the hearing means that I'll be spending Easter here alone to conserve energy. But I look healthy (my mother got so many compliments on her looks while she was dying of lung cancer) and I'm so used to people making assumptions based on that, or based on the fact that when I do have energy I like to be as active as possible. "If you could walk two miles yesterday, why can't you do X, Y, and Z today?" I'm so tired of this.

So I'm not thinking about my future. I'm looking at the trees putting forth small pale leaves, outlines of the branches still obvious and yet it seems as if you're looking at them through a green mist. Other trees, the ones blooming so profusely a few days ago, start to cast their petals away in favor of green as well. Everything's changing so quickly, new kinds of beauty replacing the old. Walking down some of these streets feels like walking into magic.