Alternating between denial and blind panic again. While neither state is at all helpful--both tend to make it fairly unlikely that I'll do anything constructive--denial is much more fun. Or at least much less unpleasant. Whereas blind panic today leaves me whimpering like a sick puppy that's being kicked repeatedly (good thing nobody's around to hear or see me because this is not pretty). The fact that I was somewhat insomniac yet again last night and am fighting to keep my eyes focused on the real world is also not helpful.
Tentative plan for the day: Drink about three times as much tea as usual to see if I can stand that much caffeine in my system. At the same time, nurse my denial, maybe even take a few of those silly online quizzes and post 'em behind lj-cuts for the amusement of the pathetically bored among you. Once I've got so much adrenaline pumping from the caffeine that I simply must do something, call someone who might be helpful, still nursing my denial until such point as they ask why the heck I'm calling, and then unload the full force of my panic. [Note: It's not that I want to unload all my panic on anybody--I'd really rather stay calm. But I know that in this state of mind, I will unload it at some point; and I'm hoping that if I nurse my denial long enough to get somebody useful on the phone, the panic will instill in them a sense of the urgency of the situation. 'Cos when I'm sounding calm, people tend to think that the problem isn't all that bad after all, and I really don't need anybody to think that right now.]
Hmm, this might work better if I write notes first so that I'll know what to say when I'm panicking (since panic is hardly conducive to coherence), but how can I nurse my denial while I'm writing down what I need? Urgh. Must think on this some more. But first, need more tea.
Tentative plan for the day: Drink about three times as much tea as usual to see if I can stand that much caffeine in my system. At the same time, nurse my denial, maybe even take a few of those silly online quizzes and post 'em behind lj-cuts for the amusement of the pathetically bored among you. Once I've got so much adrenaline pumping from the caffeine that I simply must do something, call someone who might be helpful, still nursing my denial until such point as they ask why the heck I'm calling, and then unload the full force of my panic. [Note: It's not that I want to unload all my panic on anybody--I'd really rather stay calm. But I know that in this state of mind, I will unload it at some point; and I'm hoping that if I nurse my denial long enough to get somebody useful on the phone, the panic will instill in them a sense of the urgency of the situation. 'Cos when I'm sounding calm, people tend to think that the problem isn't all that bad after all, and I really don't need anybody to think that right now.]
Hmm, this might work better if I write notes first so that I'll know what to say when I'm panicking (since panic is hardly conducive to coherence), but how can I nurse my denial while I'm writing down what I need? Urgh. Must think on this some more. But first, need more tea.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}