hummingwolf

Alternating between denial and blind panic again. While neither state is at all helpful--both tend to make it fairly unlikely that I'll do anything constructive--denial is much more fun. Or at least much less unpleasant. Whereas blind panic today leaves me whimpering like a sick puppy that's being kicked repeatedly (good thing nobody's around to hear or see me because this is not pretty). The fact that I was somewhat insomniac yet again last night and am fighting to keep my eyes focused on the real world is also not helpful.

Tentative plan for the day: Drink about three times as much tea as usual to see if I can stand that much caffeine in my system. At the same time, nurse my denial, maybe even take a few of those silly online quizzes and post 'em behind lj-cuts for the amusement of the pathetically bored among you. Once I've got so much adrenaline pumping from the caffeine that I simply must do something, call someone who might be helpful, still nursing my denial until such point as they ask why the heck I'm calling, and then unload the full force of my panic. [Note: It's not that I want to unload all my panic on anybody--I'd really rather stay calm. But I know that in this state of mind, I will unload it at some point; and I'm hoping that if I nurse my denial long enough to get somebody useful on the phone, the panic will instill in them a sense of the urgency of the situation. 'Cos when I'm sounding calm, people tend to think that the problem isn't all that bad after all, and I really don't need anybody to think that right now.]

Hmm, this might work better if I write notes first so that I'll know what to say when I'm panicking (since panic is hardly conducive to coherence), but how can I nurse my denial while I'm writing down what I need? Urgh. Must think on this some more. But first, need more tea.

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i hope, when you make the call, that the tea and the notemaking both help -- i hope *someone listens to you* and moves her (or his) lazy patootie to act on your behalf. i devoutly hope that. please let us know.

I hope I can bring myself to make the call. And that something can be done before deadline. And that I'm not dead soon after deadline.

Yeah, I'm falling into panic mode again. I don't like it at all.

i've got two vanilla cokes sitting in the fridge . . .

you can have them both . . .

just be sure you eat some "real food" too . . .

you know protein,complex carbs,fruits and veggies . . .

might be a good idea to keep track of what's going in your mouth today . . .

and how it effects your moods,mental clarity,focus,etc . . .

write it all down here in lj if you'd like . . .

you are one of the best writers on lj,you know . . .

i try very hard to read every word you write here.

just my suggestions . . .

::HUGS::

Bear
p.s. i'm gonna try to go offline now
and catch some major zz's . . .

Oh, I'm doing my best to make sure I eat some real food--at the very least getting some protein with every meal so my blood sugar doesn't do weird things. I'm having trouble making myself eat, though--I keep being afraid I won't have anything to eat at all soon, so part of me wants to ration everything.

Thanks for what you say about my writing.

if you ever find yourself that low on food, you know my number. please call? *hug*

I'm not in danger of running out of food any time soon. It's just that the panic is manifesting in many ways, including the not-eating way. There's also the eating-too-much way, and the current favorite way of not-sleeping.

are *super* important when you want to calm down and sleep . . .

i had two big bowls of cheerios with whole milk and splenda . . .

then went right to sleep . . .

i haven't always had a well-stocked fridge,freezers,and pantry . . .

so i *do* understand your concern about running out of food . . .

i need to catch up on your journal and most everybody elses . . .

hate this bitter cold weather!

Sometimes, we need to give space to our denial.
It can be a helpful coping mechanism at times, as long as you're aware of it and allow it to play it's course.
Maybe you can even stave off the blind panic, by playing to the denial for a day or two. Then, once you've funned yourself out with the denial, you'll be calm enough to start acting again.

Just, my own experience, here, YMMV of course. :)

As a general rule, I'd agree that giving myself time to experience the denial would be a good thing. But I can't afford to right now. My deadline is nearly here and I've done nothing. Since I'm alone, if I don't do something, nothing will get done. There's nobody to take care of me if I don't take care of myself... and I'm not feeling at all competent to take care of myself, which fact scares me more than I know how to say.

*nods*
That makes sense, and I'm sorry things have gotten to that point for you.
I hope you are able to work equally with the panic and denial in a helpful way, then, and get the help that you need from others.
*hugs*

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whatever works . . .

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complex carbs . . .

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