I don't understand people.

[hummingwolf]

Once again, one of my friends has been turned down by a woman because he's a nice guy. This bad-boy addiction some women have was discussed some time ago on anoisblue's journal, and guess what? I still don't get it.

Oh, I can relate to those who find themselves attracted to inappropriate people. I have sympathy for folks who, in spite of the fact that their love object is a jerk, find their hearts drawn in by some mystical force greater than themselves blah blah blah. We've all been there. Many of us have tried to justify our yearning, saying, "He/She really isn't as uncaring as s/he seems, they're just in the middle of a really bad week/month/year/incarnation." I once fell for a guy who'd have been emotionally abusive if he'd had the wit to figure out what my weaknesses were. Took me a while to realize what kind of bastard he was as he chose to go after me in the one area of my life where I wasn't insecure. (Tip for aspiring abusive types: If your prospective abusee is eligible for Mensa and you are not, insulting the p.a.'s intelligence is probably not the best way to begin. The fact that someone is stupid enough to fall for you is not a reliable indication of a complete inability to grasp the obvious.)

So I can understand an unsought attraction to an asshole. But, assuming that my friend's account is not entirely distorted, the girl turned him down because she didn't want to date somebody she can hurt. I've seen this attitude before--from men as well as women--that someone is poor dating material because they care too much. And after a great deal of contemplation over a period of many years, my deeply-considered response is: Huh???


continued
What planet are these people from where possiblity of being hurt is an undesirable characteristic in a partner? The only person who can't be hurt is the person who does not care. Any time two people love each other--heck, any time two people have developed even the slightest regard for each other--they not only can hurt each other, they will hurt each other. Causing pain is what human beings do best. We're talented that way. The best of people may do it without meaning to, without even thinking about it, but they do it all the same.

We continue falling in love, not because there's any reason to believe we can avoid the pain, but because we know that sometimes a relationship is worth far more than the pain it causes. We know that the best relationships, the ones we long for and write endlessly earnest poetry about, are the ones where two people love each other, want the best for each other, and willingly sacrifice themselves if necessary for the good of the other. So why in the name of all that is sane would anyone choose to date someone whose heart is impervious to the claims of affection? Why make the conscious decision to seek out somebody who doesn't give a damn?

Hmm. Maybe the reason some people hunt for the cold of heart is that they believe themselves incapable of being of enough value to justify the inevitable pain. It would be nice if such people came with informative labels.

"Hi! I'm looking for a sociopath! If you'll use me and treat me like some worthless thing instead of a real person, I'll devote myself to you and sing your praises when you hurt me, making myself feel that whole wild roller-coaster of emotion they describe in the romance novels and pretending that what I feel is True Love, all while avoiding doing anything that would enable me to engage in the work of a genuine adult relationship.

"Warning: If you have any decency at all, I'm not interested in dating you. You still hafta hang around, though, 'cos I wanna be able to cry on your shoulder and moan about this Great Tragic Love of My Life, 'kay? Thanks!"

Comments

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

See, I don't see how you could've understood and not agreed with the statement. I don't think I've ever seen a situation where someone had known and had high regard for another person for more than about 6 months and hadn't been hurt by that person. The pain may not have lasted long and may have been forgotten about quickly, but it still happened.

Hmmmmmmmm

[(Anonymous)]

I strongly believe those situations happen. I mean, I've had the same two best friends for almost 15 years and they NEVER did anything to hurt me, even without meaning it.

I think you just have worse experiences than mines:)

Zoop