Hummingwolf at Home

So within the last few weeks, when other excuses wore out and facts had to be faced, I finally acknowledged that the CNS depressant I've been taking for a little over a year has, in fact, caused a low-grade depression. Well, the medication's known psychiatric side effects were likely boosted by the fact that the drug hasn't been keeping either migraines or seizures under control at the current dose, and any higher dose tends to make my digestive system deeply unhappy. Mostly it's the medication's current ineffectiveness which the neurologist was focused on (though nobody's particularly happy with some of the other recent side effects, even when you're not taking the Great Bleh into account). Since a higher dose is a bad idea, I'm now on a lower dose and will be going on a lower dose still until I've stopped taking the drug altogether. For those interested in such things, I'm tapering off of Depakote and will start taking Keppra--beginning with a low level of that, since we've established that my body is oversensitive to the nastier effects of mindbending meds. Wish me luck!

(Note to local people: Keppra's side effects include mood changes too, most famously RAGE. If any of you happen to notice me being more psychotic than usual, please let me know (from a distance, if you have to)!)

Anyway, the big thing that made me realize that Depakote's been less-than-good for me mindwise is that I've barely even wanted to be creative this last year, except perhaps theoretically. I hardly recognize myself! Did play pointlessly with some POV-Ray pigment patterns, though. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to experiment with fractals or heart curves, so I did both:



See?

After that, I played with hearts a little more: ( In my heart of hearts )

So if things go well I hope to find some of that old creativity again, or possibly find some new and fresh creativity that I can call my own. "Better living through chemistry" can be such an elusive goal sometimes.

Last book finished: Ursula K. Le Guin, Tehanu. Oddly enough, before this year, I had never read any Earthsea books at all. In addition to being the 4th Earthsea book I've read in my life, Tehanu was the 50th book I've completed in 2007. Just don't ask how many of the other books I've read this year were little collections of poetry from the children's section of the library.

Last meal eaten: The usual vaguely-Mexican-type meal--tortilla, beans, salsa, cheese (Cheddar tonight), onions, avocado, corn. Some yogurt for dessert, pomegranate raspberry-flavored.

Beverage of the day: Water. Definitely water.

Music of the day: I haven't been in the mood for listening to music at all today. Now that I think of it, haven't been in the mood for eating any chocolate, either. I hope I'm not dying.

Now wearing: Fuzzy bathrobe with giraffes on it covering up an old tattered nightgown with rips in it which would be rather revealing if not covered up by the fuzzy bathrobe with giraffes on it.

Computer graphic of the day: This is actually the computer graphic of yesterday, but I still haven't decided quite what to do with these little swimming critters.


I want to give them eyes or fins or organelles or something, but I haven't quite figured out how to do it. Haven't been awake enough to think clearly enough about the problem to remember the right bits of trigonometry, so I make these little attempts to do something and wind up with proto-eyeballs floating all over the place. When trying to solve my self-made problem these last few days, I rather suspect I've been like a child who places the square peg carefully on the solid place between the round hole and the triangular hole, then wonders why the peg refuses to do anything interesting.

Miles walked: A mere one & a half, but it was a good one & a half, on streets I haven't walked on recently. At sidewalk level, crunchy catkins and pollen covering the ground, with the occasional pile of Sakura cherry petals. A little higher, next to the sidewalks and on the very lowest parts of sloping lawns, little wildflowers and not-so-wild flowers. Above them, azaleas in their full glory, blooming extravagantly, mounds of them, colors clashing and harmonizing and clashing again. Stretching above those, dogwoods all dressed in pink and white. Behind and above those, old houses of brick and wood. Towering above everything else, old trees, stories and stories high. Sun going low in the sky, golden light shining through leaves and petals.

Sleep needed: At least an hour more than I'm likely to get. It's probably time to get started on that right now.

So, this has been one of those weeks when I'm too dizzy to go out and do much and too brainfogged to sit in and read for more than a few minutes at a time. There's nothing exciting about "I felt too exhausted to do anything today," which is why you haven't heard about my Easter celebration (though at least I did eat the ritual chocolate bunny ears).

Been listening to two CDs by Jez Lowe & the Bad Pennies on repeat, though I'm not sure why I'm craving their music now when they're not at all the electronica I thought I was in the mood for. But I can hardly resist singing along with "Sons of the Century"

Was I meant to follow you blind?
Did you want me to follow your line?
'Cause a line hanging loose twists into a noose
It's only a matter of time

Speaking of twisty lines, I've been playing around with animations in POV-Ray again, this time having the program do fun things with trigonometry. I'm like a kitten playing with a ball of digitized yarn!

( Wanna see? (Image about 250KB) )

Not bad for someone who got a C in trig class--twenty years ago. Sweet merciful heavens, I took trigonometry twenty years ago? Pardon me while I hyperventilate for a moment.

...

Okay, I'm back. Speaking of someone being back, the robin who returned to her nest a few days ago has been sitting there nearly all the time ever since. I guess she decided to lay her eggs there after all. The leaves on the tree have opened out all the way, hopefully hiding the nest from other passing crows. There's not much chance that neighborhood squirrels will remain in ignorance, but they tend to go for easier food than eggs defended by angry birds. Though I haven't been able to see the eggs from my room, I'm happy that some pretty blue eggs (probably) came into the world in the week after Easter.

If I had any other thoughts in my head tonight, Jez Lowe's "The Limping Drinker's Polka" drove them all away.

We were on a train rushing through a wonderfully detailed yet barren grey fractal landscape created in POV-Ray (obviously done on a computer much more powerful than the Pentium I 200 I've got here). I knew which program had rendered and continued to render this lifeless land, because I was the one who had created the scene file we were traveling through.

"We," by the way, were a group consisting of several characters from the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and myself. I hadn't spoken to the others on the train yet, could only bring myself to quietly observe. Xander, impetuous as ever, demanded to be allowed to try to break the spell he was so sure enveloped the land. Giles, rather imperiously, told him no and proceeded to declaim rather useless phrases in Latin. I was still depressed and had yet to manage to find enough strength to click the program's "Stop" button so we could see where we really were.


No, I don't need an analysis of this one, I think I've got it.

When I was a wee little girl, I was as fond of drawing and scribbling and doodling as any other wee thing might be. My doodling did have one difference from that of most small things, however: There was one squiggly design I would draw everywhere. I drew it in the trees and floating in the breeze; I drew it in the stars and on the planet Mars; I... am going to stop the rhyming before I make myself ill. Anyway, my parents were amused when I drew it on all my pictures and carved it in a candle I made, yet were somewhat less amused when I drew it on the bedroom wall. Ah well, some of us must suffer for our art.

Since my mouse isn't working properly but the latest POV-Ray beta is functioning just fine, I made a 3D version of the squiggle and created some userpics with it. I'm not thrilled with the way any of them turned out, so I'm likely to change them all in the future... or possibly give up delete everything. We'll see.

As far as I know, the squiggle is meaningless. If one of you happens to recognize it as an ancient symbol calling down curses upon all who behold it, could you please let me know before I do more harm? Thanks!

Thought I was finally sufficiently recovered from my latest bout with the flu to go out and do some necessary things today (like buying shoes I could wear to a job interview). So, naturally, I woke up too late & too bleary to do much of anything. I still could go to the closest mall & attempt to find something, but I've never had any luck at their shoe stores, and besides, I loathe shoe shopping with a fiery passion anyway & shouldn't attempt it when feeling like this. Argh.

Downloaded the POV-Ray 3.5 beta 12 this morning and was reminded that one should never become too attached to experimental features in beta software. I wonder if any of the scenes I created last week still work; I know my favorite one doesn't. Pity, that.

Was reading bunches of strangers' journals earlier--friends' friends lists, friends' friends' friends lists, etc. Aside from a few chronically ill people, everyone's leading a much more interesting life than I am. I take some small comfort in the fact that many of them are not living well. But gosh darn it, I want a life of my own.

*The hummingwolf takes a moment to kick and beat at the walls of her invisible prison. The walls don't pay the least little bit of attention.