hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2005-08-14 09:42 pm
hummingwolf) wrote2005-08-14 09:42 pm
Once upon a time...
... long, long ago, in a faraway land... no, come to think of it, it was a classroom and not all that far from where I sit now. Anyway, something slightly more than a decade ago, I first saw with my very own eyes the most gorgeous man in the world. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be so impressed if you saw him. There's a strong possibility that I would no longer be impressed myself. But the fact remains that, given who I was at the time and the tastes I had developed, this man's appearance was so close to being my ideal that any tiny flaws got glossed over. You know how sometimes you spend a day trying to remember something you should know (a word, a name, where you hid the keys to the kingdom), racking your brains for hours until you're sure the rack itself is overstretched, and you finally give up and stop thinking about it entirely? Then suddenly, at a moment when you weren't expecting anything to happen, you remember and you have this feeling of enormous relief? When he walked into the room, I felt as if I suddenly knew the answer to a question I'd been asking all my life.
It took a few weeks for me to get up the courage to look in his direction during class--before then, I was afraid that if I looked his way, I would be unable to stop staring. After a while, we exchanged smiles. He had the face of someone accustomed to smiling, and the little crinkles around his eyes increased his appeal immeasurably.
About a year later, there finally came a day when I could look at him and remember how to breathe, to speak, and even form complete sentences all at the same time. I saw him in a student lounge where he was resting, waited till he opened his eyes, and said hello. He ran away.
Oh, it's okay. He came back in a few minutes, hadn't run away permanently after all. We ended up speaking for a couple of hours that day. He never ran away from me again, though I must admit he tended to get a "deer in the headlights" look anytime he saw me.
We had a few good conversations after that. They were nice enough. Nope, never asked him out. I seriously thought about it the last time I saw him, but he had to run(!) elsewhere, and, well, it turned out to be the last time I saw him. All these years later, I know that I can never know for sure if his answer would have been (as a friend predicted after seeing him) a heartfelt "Sorry, I'm gay."
So anyway, this is the internet, and one of the first things I learned how to do on the internet was to find stuff. He had an insanely common name and I had no idea what he might have been doing in the intervening years; but it was the late '90s, I couldn't drive, and I barely had the energy to walk a quarter mile. In short, I had time to kill and I killed it by searching for him.
Yes, he was online then (I knew he would be). After a few hours, I found his website and read through just about everything. Sent him an e-mail which read like a fan letter. Got a pleasant response and was thrilled for days (even though it didn't quite convince me that he had a clue who he was writing to). I was thoroughly charmed all over again.
And then one day I looked for Usenet postings made with his e-mail address. Let's just say that, while there was every reason to believe the man was both physically attractive and doing reasonably well financially, there was also reason to believe that an attempted conversation with him on anything other than safe topics would seriously tick me off. I judge it a good thing that he never answered my last e-mail.
Out of curiosity, today I looked for his website again. His latest tagline: "Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy." I can't think of a more appropriate way to end this entry.
It took a few weeks for me to get up the courage to look in his direction during class--before then, I was afraid that if I looked his way, I would be unable to stop staring. After a while, we exchanged smiles. He had the face of someone accustomed to smiling, and the little crinkles around his eyes increased his appeal immeasurably.
About a year later, there finally came a day when I could look at him and remember how to breathe, to speak, and even form complete sentences all at the same time. I saw him in a student lounge where he was resting, waited till he opened his eyes, and said hello. He ran away.
Oh, it's okay. He came back in a few minutes, hadn't run away permanently after all. We ended up speaking for a couple of hours that day. He never ran away from me again, though I must admit he tended to get a "deer in the headlights" look anytime he saw me.
We had a few good conversations after that. They were nice enough. Nope, never asked him out. I seriously thought about it the last time I saw him, but he had to run(!) elsewhere, and, well, it turned out to be the last time I saw him. All these years later, I know that I can never know for sure if his answer would have been (as a friend predicted after seeing him) a heartfelt "Sorry, I'm gay."
So anyway, this is the internet, and one of the first things I learned how to do on the internet was to find stuff. He had an insanely common name and I had no idea what he might have been doing in the intervening years; but it was the late '90s, I couldn't drive, and I barely had the energy to walk a quarter mile. In short, I had time to kill and I killed it by searching for him.
Yes, he was online then (I knew he would be). After a few hours, I found his website and read through just about everything. Sent him an e-mail which read like a fan letter. Got a pleasant response and was thrilled for days (even though it didn't quite convince me that he had a clue who he was writing to). I was thoroughly charmed all over again.
And then one day I looked for Usenet postings made with his e-mail address. Let's just say that, while there was every reason to believe the man was both physically attractive and doing reasonably well financially, there was also reason to believe that an attempted conversation with him on anything other than safe topics would seriously tick me off. I judge it a good thing that he never answered my last e-mail.
Out of curiosity, today I looked for his website again. His latest tagline: "Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy." I can't think of a more appropriate way to end this entry.
no subject
just kidding. i saw a guy who affected me like that when i was a freshman. every time i saw him, it was like the sun coming up. his name was tommy kennedy. ooh, off to google. ;)
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I dunno, actually. The lone photo of him still on the site is one I recognize from yeeeeears ago. Could be a reason he isn't displaying anything new!
that's what matters, you know?
Well, if you're settling for the fantasy, good looks are more than sufficient to get the imagination going. ;-)
So, what's Tommy Kennedy doing these days, eh?
no subject
i found LOTS of people at that database. one guy i seriously dated is a doctor in california. i e-mailed him. man, if he answers, i'll be amazed. one gay friend is still in versailles, indiana. i'm considering writing to the address given to ask if he ever used the arabic he studied. :)
fun!
no subject
memory lane
Re: memory lane
A great smile can work wonders, even on someone whose looks are otherwise unremarkable. Yeah, a smile can really get me too!
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no subject
I meant it when I said I didn't feel slighted, but it's nice to get a comment anyway. Thank you, Frank. :-)