hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2003-02-21 05:35 pm
hummingwolf) wrote2003-02-21 05:35 pm
My Friday.
The day did not begin auspiciously. As a matter of actual fact, it began with me crying, having had only a few hours' sleep thanks to the combination of physical pain and reflections on the fact that here I am at 33 years of age having done nothing with my life and with little to no chance of doing anything notable anytime in the conceivable future and generally feeling like an utterly useless waste of flesh. So you could say I was cranky.
I had an appointment with my doctor today in order to get him to fill out some forms for the lawyers so they'll know how they want to argue with Social Security. It was too late when I left the house for me to get my umbrella, so I walked to the Metro station in cold rain, and walked to the doctor's office from the other Metro station in more cold rain. Meanwhile, the boots I was wearing decided that the blisters I had weren't enough and it was time to develop some more.
Got to the doctor's office and had to wait for an hour. Since my hips were killing me and my legs weren't much happier, I didn't stay in one position for long--I even tried stretching out on a couple of chairs in the waiting room to sleep, which mildly amused the office staff.
Finally got to talk to my kindly old doctor, who was his usual understanding self, sympathizing with my plight and agreeing that Social Security really is my only option for an income at this point. Now, I had been a little apprehensive about what this visit would cost me; but figured hey, he's just filling out one little form, it can't cost too much. Then he told me that since the lawyers would surely be calling him later and causing him more work, his charges for the day would reflect that fact.
Uh-oh.
When I got to the front desk and was told what the expected payment was, I was stunned. And then angry. And panicked. Snarled at the office staff a little bit, while they to their credit were polite in return and called the doctor on the office phone to discuss matters. The doctor refused to speak to me at this point. I was informed through the office staff that I must pay a partial payment today which effectively wiped out my checking account, plus pay an additional $172.50 within the next two weeks if I ever want to see my form again.
Oh, I apologized for snarling at the office staff. It wasn't their fault (as far as I know). And, since I do need the Social Security, I wiped out my checking account paying the partial payment to the doctor. Now I'll ask my brothers if there is some way they can pay the doctor bill. But even then I don't see any way of paying the phone bill, my share of the oil bill, my share of the electric bill, my share of the water bill, my share of the gas bill, or any other debts public or private (and of course I haven't paid rent since last August).
Walked back to the Metro station in the cold rain, crying. Walked home from the other Metro station in the cold rain, crying.
Came home to a message on the answering machine from the county library system's computer, which claims that I have two books overdue (I don't) and wishes to fine me accordingly.
Ladies and gentlemen, this has officially not been a fun day.
I had an appointment with my doctor today in order to get him to fill out some forms for the lawyers so they'll know how they want to argue with Social Security. It was too late when I left the house for me to get my umbrella, so I walked to the Metro station in cold rain, and walked to the doctor's office from the other Metro station in more cold rain. Meanwhile, the boots I was wearing decided that the blisters I had weren't enough and it was time to develop some more.
Got to the doctor's office and had to wait for an hour. Since my hips were killing me and my legs weren't much happier, I didn't stay in one position for long--I even tried stretching out on a couple of chairs in the waiting room to sleep, which mildly amused the office staff.
Finally got to talk to my kindly old doctor, who was his usual understanding self, sympathizing with my plight and agreeing that Social Security really is my only option for an income at this point. Now, I had been a little apprehensive about what this visit would cost me; but figured hey, he's just filling out one little form, it can't cost too much. Then he told me that since the lawyers would surely be calling him later and causing him more work, his charges for the day would reflect that fact.
Uh-oh.
When I got to the front desk and was told what the expected payment was, I was stunned. And then angry. And panicked. Snarled at the office staff a little bit, while they to their credit were polite in return and called the doctor on the office phone to discuss matters. The doctor refused to speak to me at this point. I was informed through the office staff that I must pay a partial payment today which effectively wiped out my checking account, plus pay an additional $172.50 within the next two weeks if I ever want to see my form again.
Oh, I apologized for snarling at the office staff. It wasn't their fault (as far as I know). And, since I do need the Social Security, I wiped out my checking account paying the partial payment to the doctor. Now I'll ask my brothers if there is some way they can pay the doctor bill. But even then I don't see any way of paying the phone bill, my share of the oil bill, my share of the electric bill, my share of the water bill, my share of the gas bill, or any other debts public or private (and of course I haven't paid rent since last August).
Walked back to the Metro station in the cold rain, crying. Walked home from the other Metro station in the cold rain, crying.
Came home to a message on the answering machine from the county library system's computer, which claims that I have two books overdue (I don't) and wishes to fine me accordingly.
Ladies and gentlemen, this has officially not been a fun day.
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Could be worse, though. I mean, I'm home now, I've still got Internet access that somebody else paid for, I'm drying out in front of a nice space heater that a friend gave me, and the landlord hasn't evicted me yet.
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The landlord's not talking eviction now, at least not seriously. I suspect he won't seriously bring it up until winter is over, but I'm rather worried that he'll be very serious by then if there's no change for the better on the financial front.
pep talk, part 1 ;)
my heart goes out to you cb. i wish i was rich in money so i could help relieve this insane crap you keep getting thrown at you, but i am only rich in love, and offer that in sloppy, gooey, heaps and gobs :) i truly wish that were enough. but i feel, after so many times of saying how dearly i love you, that it is no help at all.
whoops, dumb me. i don't suppose me whining about helplessness is really going to make you feel better about your feelings of helplessness.
:(
i wish i had answers for you. i don't understand how such a beautiful soul could need so much more honing of pain, for you seem already a diamond to me... i'm still constantly amazed at what you manage to accomplish despite your physical limitations and obstacles, that you still can reach down and tap into the well of spirit and find energy to feed your mind and spirit with so much exploration of the world thru books and the net and your online community. you've still managed to carve out a wonderful world for yourself to accomodate the physical shit (despite the physical shit).
maybe the lesson is realizing that you've created so much richness for yourself, despite your pain and limited resources and that you somehow always find a way to tap into that bottomless well of spirit the universe provides for us. most of us have such difficulty receiving from others, and i know from my surgery years ago, how hard it is to feel forced to ask for help. but be sure to give yourself immense credit for CHOOSING to ask for help. you might feel forced to, or trapped, but you are making choices to nurture yourself. be proud of making those choices. when they involve accepting the reality of not being able to create your own income to live on, of facing a choice of asking the govt for help, that is an immensely difficult part of one's identity to relinquish (huh. i guess this is why i didn't follow thru on getting unemployment last year... i'd been blaming it on poor personal financial management. heh. duh me eh? ;) )
thing is, you have SO much value to SO many people, way more than "contributing to society" by working and creating your own income thru a job. so what, so you are creating your income thru the gov'ts disability program. (still peeves me your bros make this more difficult for you by insisting you create your income traditionally. fucktards. :P ).
ultimately, i am learning that money is all about energy. what we put out there, can come back to us, if we open ourself to receiving. the wonderful energy you put out to all the people you encounter in your life, regardless of whether it's physical world or bit world, give more to the world than many people slogging their 9-to-5 jobs. you deserve the govt money, i believe it will come thru for you, and then you can get on your supplements and restabilize your life.
in the meantime, you still manage to shine and brighten my day, and others i'm certain, from under your blanket of pain and paper trails.
that really does just have to count for something. something precious and valuable, and full of life.
to be continued..... ;)
pep talk part 2 ;)
you fucking rock cb. you truly inspire my spiritual practice, you show me how to find joy in a crappy-ass day, you remind me to be grateful for the gift of a sunset, you motivate me to make time to read all the wonders of literature waiting to be tasted and shared, and you make my life richer for knowing you.
stay tapped into your wonderous faith, dear one, you will get through this to easier times.
much love, hugs, chocolate, and sunshine (hm, not all together tho, don't want melty chocolate wasted ;) ),
pixie,
spewmeister extraordinaire
*grin* :D
Re: pep talk part 2 ;)
Thank you so much, Spewmeister Pixie. You're a wonderful friend.
Re: pep talk part 2 ;)
/me hands you an aloe tissue. and some gatorade.
*smile*
Re: pep talk part 2 ;)
(I take it you forgot I'm allergic to that stuff. Heh.)
Thanks for the Gatorade, though. :-)
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Gah. I am so tired.
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Are you sure they got the decimal point in the right place?
What is wrong with people?
(okay, you don't have to answer that last one)
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I am not enjoying this life. Can I please have another now?