hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2002-09-12 08:34 am
hummingwolf) wrote2002-09-12 08:34 am
Entry tags:
One year ago
From a mailing list I'm on:
Hummingwolf
Wed, 12 Sep 2001 07:20:13 -0700 (PDT)
It's hard to say which is worse. Hearing no planes overhead, or hearing planes all night long and knowing what they are. Hearing the normal daily sounds here, now--traffic on the highways in spite of all the closings, bus going by one block over, freight trains a bit over a mile away, someone in their garage with power tools building something, and the planes flying overhead. If you can forget what those planes must be, the only thing missing, the only thing making it clear that this is not an ordinary September morning, is the absence of children in the school field. No sounds of playing at all on such a beautiful, sunny day.
I did manage to get some sleep last night, though my dreams were filled with fire. I woke up at about 6:20 this morning, hearing something... I still don't know what it was, but there was something loud, resembling car horns or perhaps alarms, with a definite, seemingly deliberate rhythm to it. A few seconds later, I heard sirens, what sounded like the entire firehouse gearing up to go somewhere, deal with something. The sirens went on for ten minutes. I turned on the news radio station, wondering if there was something new that I should know about.
As I lay there, hearing over the sirens the sound of more military planes flying high overhead, listening to the news of the morning which sounded exactly like the news of last evening--fire still burning, we know people are dead, but we don't know how many, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know--the shock of yesterday finally dissolved; and for the first time since yesterday morning, I cried. I'm crying now.
Hummingwolf
Thu, 13 Sep 2001 06:19:47 -0700 (PDT)
Haven't heard sirens for hours. Certainly haven't been as many sirens this morning & last night as there had been in the hours before. Planes going overhead, but not quite such a constant rumbling as before. Students back to school across the alley, middle-school kids in gym uniforms going around the track, maybe a bit more subdued than usual but they're trying to get back into the rhythm after a couple of days off after all.
I did see children playing when I was out walking last night too. Little kids with big sticks pointing them at each other, yelling "Pow! Pow! Pow!" Playing.
I both love and hate my species. People sometimes ask me, "How can you believe we were created in God's image? Look at all we do to each other." So I look at what we've seen on TV, both the carnage and the heroism, people cheering the evil and people helping the victims, and the way the helpers can turn into haters at a moment's notice, I have to believe that we all have something of God and something of Satan within us. We're all angels and we're all devils. It's just a question of which side of us will win. I pray we make the right choices.
It's another beautiful day in Washington, DC. Warm, but an autumnal warmth, with the sunlight possessing that peculiar quality it always has this time of year, a quality I can only describe as elegiac. Elegy for all that's been lost.
I wonder how much classwork I'll manage to get done today.
Hummingwolf
Fri, 14 Sep 2001 17:02:27 -0700 (PDT)
Could there *be* a stranger fashion statement than camouflage gear topped with a glowing orange vest?
Also odd seeing lighted candles lining the bumpers of fire trucks tonight, though that was still beautiful to see.
Was leafing through the latest George Carlin book while wasting time in Borders after class today. This is either a really good or incredibly bad time to read the bits about airport security.
Hummingwolf
Wed, 12 Sep 2001 07:20:13 -0700 (PDT)
It's hard to say which is worse. Hearing no planes overhead, or hearing planes all night long and knowing what they are. Hearing the normal daily sounds here, now--traffic on the highways in spite of all the closings, bus going by one block over, freight trains a bit over a mile away, someone in their garage with power tools building something, and the planes flying overhead. If you can forget what those planes must be, the only thing missing, the only thing making it clear that this is not an ordinary September morning, is the absence of children in the school field. No sounds of playing at all on such a beautiful, sunny day.
I did manage to get some sleep last night, though my dreams were filled with fire. I woke up at about 6:20 this morning, hearing something... I still don't know what it was, but there was something loud, resembling car horns or perhaps alarms, with a definite, seemingly deliberate rhythm to it. A few seconds later, I heard sirens, what sounded like the entire firehouse gearing up to go somewhere, deal with something. The sirens went on for ten minutes. I turned on the news radio station, wondering if there was something new that I should know about.
As I lay there, hearing over the sirens the sound of more military planes flying high overhead, listening to the news of the morning which sounded exactly like the news of last evening--fire still burning, we know people are dead, but we don't know how many, we don't know, we don't know, we don't know--the shock of yesterday finally dissolved; and for the first time since yesterday morning, I cried. I'm crying now.
Hummingwolf
Thu, 13 Sep 2001 06:19:47 -0700 (PDT)
Haven't heard sirens for hours. Certainly haven't been as many sirens this morning & last night as there had been in the hours before. Planes going overhead, but not quite such a constant rumbling as before. Students back to school across the alley, middle-school kids in gym uniforms going around the track, maybe a bit more subdued than usual but they're trying to get back into the rhythm after a couple of days off after all.
I did see children playing when I was out walking last night too. Little kids with big sticks pointing them at each other, yelling "Pow! Pow! Pow!" Playing.
I both love and hate my species. People sometimes ask me, "How can you believe we were created in God's image? Look at all we do to each other." So I look at what we've seen on TV, both the carnage and the heroism, people cheering the evil and people helping the victims, and the way the helpers can turn into haters at a moment's notice, I have to believe that we all have something of God and something of Satan within us. We're all angels and we're all devils. It's just a question of which side of us will win. I pray we make the right choices.
It's another beautiful day in Washington, DC. Warm, but an autumnal warmth, with the sunlight possessing that peculiar quality it always has this time of year, a quality I can only describe as elegiac. Elegy for all that's been lost.
I wonder how much classwork I'll manage to get done today.
Hummingwolf
Fri, 14 Sep 2001 17:02:27 -0700 (PDT)
Could there *be* a stranger fashion statement than camouflage gear topped with a glowing orange vest?
Also odd seeing lighted candles lining the bumpers of fire trucks tonight, though that was still beautiful to see.
Was leafing through the latest George Carlin book while wasting time in Borders after class today. This is either a really good or incredibly bad time to read the bits about airport security.
no subject
we watched The Matrix yesterday to get my mind off dark things. darned if there weren't fires and exploding buildings in it too. i heard my own internal voices saying "oh no" and then tuned them out so i could enjoy the movie. like your reading carlin, realizing that perception will be altered by the images of that day.
i hope you are feeling well today!
no subject
Did you go into DC at all in the days just after the attacks? I went back to the school (about 1/4 mile from the White House) on Sept. 13 and felt like I was walking in a dream. Two irrelevant things stick in my mind from that week: (1) the constant drone of helicopters is distracting when you're trying to take a test, and (2) military police don't make very good traffic cops.
I haven't turned the TV on at all since Tuesday evening & have barely had the radio on. I figured I could remember just as well without the media predigesting memories for me. So I went for a long walk on the 11th--probably too long, tired out my body more than I'd like. But it was better than watching the television would have been.
How are you feeling today?
no subject
i'm with you, still no tv or radio. i didn't want what you call predigested memories either. i know how i felt and that's enough. in the days after that day, people i'd run into would talk about all the stories being shown on tv of families looking still for the missing, the grieving, etc. by instinct, i shielded myself from that. though i'm not proud of it, i knew that was better for me than getting obsessively caught up in those harrowing stories. do you know what i mean?
i feel pretty good today. this weather is wonderful. having jeff and his cat here is good for my morale! how are you feeling?
no subject
Oh yes. In the days following the attacks, I had the feeling that most of the coverage was switching from *real* news to attempts to stir up everybody for impending war, and I wasn't in the mood for that kind of manipulation. These days, the stories seem to me to be more about ratings than anything else, and I'm even less in the mood for that kind of manipulation.
Isn't the weather wonderful? I love this! It'd be nice to get some more rain this weekend (as opposed to during next week when I have to go places); but as long as it's not hot & humid, I'll be content.
Feeling very tired at the moment. Scattered, still. Did manage to make one needed phone call, now need to make at least one more. Trying not to panic about my finances again, but while the landlord is understanding, he's also understandably anxious to get some of the money I owe him! At least I've got an app't with the temp agency next week, so wish me luck!
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i spent yesterday afternoon w/my friend madelyn, it was her 27th bday yesterday. is it bad that we had a wonderful afternoon talking and giggling in a little cafe as the rain poured down outside??
i spoke w/my dad yesterday too. it was his 61st bday yesterday. he has been depressed for several years about his age and retirement, and often said he was just waiting to die. we tried to get him to get out of the condo, to talk to a professional, nothing. we couldn't help him.
yesterday when i spoke to him, he said
'well, there are worse things than turning 61.'..
me: "yeaaa", wondering where that was going.
dad: "yea, you know my friend harry (his best friend for over 30 years) he died when he was 56, didn't even make it to 60"...
we knew his depression started after harry died several years ago...
me: "you know we've been very worried about you, saying all the time that you're waiting to die"..
dad: "yea, i dont' say that anymore'...
me: "well, but if you're still THINKING that!-"
dad: "no, no i don't think that way anymore. i'm lucky. worse things than turning 61.."
mom says she thinks some of the stories of tragedy in the paper recently (related to 9.11), finally got thru to him.
which reminds me, another good thing which happened last year soon after the nightmare... my uncle and cousin were estranged, b/c my cousin married a non-jewish woman, ann marie, who actually is just wonderful and great for ben... so he didn't go their wedding, and still hadn't met their 1-yo daughter leila... after 9.11.01, uncle zvi reached out to ben, and they have been making efforts to be in each others' lives. i never EVER thought unc would ever back down, he's so stubborn (like many of the people in my family. not meeee tho! ;) ) dunno if the fact that ann marie's uncle and cousin died in the wtc affected his decision, but i would think so...
i find it somehow reassuring actually, that the wtc nightmare blasted thru so many people's individual worlds... i find it hopeful that we are not so desensitized to violence after all, that when something so huge whacks us on the head, we can come out of our cocoons and shift our perspectives and take action to make positive, loving changes in our lives and in others. while painful to think that such a massive loss was necessary for a wake-up call, at least it was heard. what if it hadn't been the catalyst for the loving outreach in so many scopes of community that it has been? that would be the true cause for hopelessness for the world, i think...
*sigh*
even a year later tho it is still so unthinkable.
i remember now, when i was watching t.v. last year, at the end of a show was a memorial black screen, w/a guy's name and years lived: oct 8, 1971 - sept 11, 2001. !!!! oct 8, 71 is MYYYYYY birthday!!!! i immediately turned cold and got goosebumps. that shook me for many days. he never got to turn 30. i regret i forgot his name. might have been chris. i assumed he worked on the show. i think i will have a drink for him this year.... and remind myself to live my life fully and from the heart, for he lost the opportunity to do so.
surreal...