Hummingwolf at Home

Two small cherry trees at the top of the street are covered in pink today.

The tree outside my window has tiny leaves that are recognizable as leaves, not mere buds.

The furnace hasn't been on since the night before last, yet the temperature indoors is still a reasonable 65 degrees.

The pollen count was expected to be in the "medium-high" range for various tree pollens.

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In other news, I'm sleeping better thanks to that most wonderful invention, over-the-counter cough suppressant. Am still rather more congested than I'm comfortable with. Am still exceedingly tired. Managed to drag myself for a walk of a few blocks this evening anyway.

Also finished reading Adam Fawer's book Improbable, a novel about a compulsive gambler with epilepsy who takes an experimental drug with the frequently-unpleasant side effect of giving him visions of the future (or more than one future), leading to exciting chase scenes along with discussions of quantum physics and Jungian psychology. Yes, I enjoyed the book. It was always highly probable that I would.

The SuperMoon is pretty.

Recognition of my efforts: A housemate wrote a note on the memo board saying that the bathroom I cleaned yesterday "looks amazing." They noticed! Nobody noticed my efforts in the kitchen, but I probably wouldn't have either without before-and-after photos.

Date set: Social Security hearing at the end of the month. Finally.

Weather: You know those autumnal postcards featuring bright blue skies and leaves in full, glorious color? Yeah, we've had some of that. The foliage show here may not be like that of, say, New England, but things are looking pretty darn good these days. This week's had some lovely sunsets as well, including one a few days ago that left me breathless a moment. Man, I feel sorry for people behind me on the sidewalks when there's a good sunset.

Cold enough today for me to grab a winter coat, though not cold enough for layers.

Energy: Enough that I've been able to walk at least two miles each day this week, plus do lots of cleaning yesterday & a bit today. Headache comes & goes, ears & throat hurt, and I'm coughing more again today, but things could be much worse.

Tea: Celestial Seasonings Honey Vanilla White Tea Chai in the clearance section at Target. Not bad.

I'm still reading others' journals and such, I just haven't had much to say these last few days. Well, I very nearly posted a deep and meaningful post yesterday, but the fit passed. Mostly my thoughts have been about boring, practical things: Is this a good day to go to the grocery store, or will my body decide to punish me if I do? If I go, should I buy chicken parts? I'll see if they're on sale; maybe I can buy one of the more expensive kinds of cheese for a change as well, since I've mostly been eating beans and rice...

Little things bubble to the surface of my consciousness. These jeans feel tighter than I'm used to--am I getting too fat? Look in the mirror while wearing both jeans and glasses and sanity returns. Not as skinny as I used to be, but "not as skinny" doesn't even come near the region of "too fat." Now that I remember that fact, I can consume my strawberry cheesecake ice cream with a clear conscience.

TV viewing next week: The Apprentice has a 2-hour finale! Oh, but can I stand to miss Tru Calling? Well, yes, though I do like that show too. I won't be watching the Dateline segment on the apprentice-wannabes though, not if there's a new Angel episode on at the same time. I do have priorities.

Little thoughts. Mostly I'm trying to avoid thinking about the Social Security hearing. I don't want to think about the possibility of things not working out well, since I really don't see any other ways for me to continue my existence without the help. How can anyone think I could get and keep a job when I couldn't even make it into DC to see the cherry blossoms in peak blooom? (I keep waking up with the song "Cherry Blossom Girl" running through my head.) Even making sure that I can get to the hearing means that I'll be spending Easter here alone to conserve energy. But I look healthy (my mother got so many compliments on her looks while she was dying of lung cancer) and I'm so used to people making assumptions based on that, or based on the fact that when I do have energy I like to be as active as possible. "If you could walk two miles yesterday, why can't you do X, Y, and Z today?" I'm so tired of this.

So I'm not thinking about my future. I'm looking at the trees putting forth small pale leaves, outlines of the branches still obvious and yet it seems as if you're looking at them through a green mist. Other trees, the ones blooming so profusely a few days ago, start to cast their petals away in favor of green as well. Everything's changing so quickly, new kinds of beauty replacing the old. Walking down some of these streets feels like walking into magic.

Though I am told I have many fine qualities, I suspect my greatest strength is the ability to delight in the beauty of old trees.

Finding happiness for the moment is easy for me; it's holding to contentment while recognizing a need to change that I have some difficulty with. I am not by nature a calm person. When I see things that would be better if they were different, I do not tend to remain at peace. I get antsy. I get anxious. I get really annoying.

I pray to find peace as easily as I find beauty. I pray to receive energy to do the work I need to do (hopefully I'll get paid for work one day, eh?).

In the meantime, I'm loving having a working radio again. :-)

I must have seemed one of the more flaky sorts of tourists today, frequently stopping to rest my hands on the warm rough bark of an older tree as my eyes followed its twisting branches and lingered on the flowers blooming in such profusion. I have walked far more than I am accustomed to do and cannot regret it, though I may be unable to do much of anything tomorrow. I feel as if I have spent the day precisely as it was made to be spent. This was a day for contemplation of beauty: any other occupation would have been a waste of its gifts.