hummingwolf (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hummingwolf) wrote2002-03-13 02:55 pm
hummingwolf) wrote2002-03-13 02:55 pm
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Soon after my father died, an offer was made. I couldn't tell you who made me this offer or why, but the offer was this: I was given the grand and glorious opportunity to lose my mind. I would no longer have to deal with my long-term health problems, brand-new financial problems, or raw and burning grief. I would have no more hard choices to make, no more worries, no more responsibilities to anyone. I would no longer have to deal with the dreary world I found crashing around me. All I would have to do was make the simple choice to go insane, and I would be whisked off to a delusional world. It was as easy as flipping a mental light switch. The choice was mine: on or off--sane or insane--here or there. Just one flick of a switch and I would be free.
I had the sense of having this choice for a few weeks, the option always presented to my mind as a viable alternative to dealing with reality; and then one day I realized that the chance was gone. There was no longer an escape hatch. The real world was where I'd have to live. I still wonder sometimes why I never touched that switch.
(The more I think about it, the more I like last night's Buffy episode.)
I had the sense of having this choice for a few weeks, the option always presented to my mind as a viable alternative to dealing with reality; and then one day I realized that the chance was gone. There was no longer an escape hatch. The real world was where I'd have to live. I still wonder sometimes why I never touched that switch.
(The more I think about it, the more I like last night's Buffy episode.)