(no subject)

[hummingwolf]

A little while ago I wrote a journal entry which read something like this:

"They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But what if you have loved yet never had anything to lose? What if all your loves have been of either the unrequited or the 'this will never work so let's not even try' variety? Where does that fit in the scheme of things?"

I immediately deleted the entry because I didn't like the ugly look of self-pity. It seemed a sort of open wound I should disinfect and wrap in sterile bandages before going out in public so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of any strangers passing by.

But hey, this is my journal. I've got the right to exhibit a little self-pity here if anywhere. You love someone who likes the way you look but doesn't give a damn about the rest of you. You're with somebody who loves you but you can't find within yourself any enthusiasm for being in their company. You love someone who loves you but each of you knows a dozen reasons or more why you don't belong together. You never really understand what all the romantics around you are talking about because you've only observed their world from the outside.

Does anyone reading this entry remember what this felt like? It's been a long time for most of you, I know. If you have loved, if you've had something to lose and you've lost it, was it better or worse than this?


I know too much about losing. I know too little about love.

Comments

[inkbitch.livejournal.com]

I have almost-loved and bitterly lost, I have loved and had it destroyed into little bits. I have loved and regretted, loved and needed and not had it returned...

I used to think I was standing on the outside, looking in, the one who could love but who could not be loved in return. It is not true. It is never true.

Love, platonic love, passionate love, soul-destroying love, all love is a lesson to be learnt. You can suffer, and you can cry, and you can curse fate, you can smile for the joy of it and you can bleed inside with the dual feelings of happiness and hurt, but it is a lesson, a precious one.

To give, to receive, to destroy, to rebuild, love is what you make it. Accept it for what it is - something that may make you feel good, or make you feel very bad, but at the end of the day, it just makes you feel.

Smile. It's love.
You're never going to be the same again.

[nalidoll.livejournal.com]

hon, i have loved, in about all the ways possible, for about every reason there is.
i have loved, Othello style, "not wisely but too well".
i have loved for reasons more intellectual than emotional.'
i have loved blindly, for the sheer thrill of it.
i have loved foolishly, knowing it would come to no good.

but each time, i will swear still, i loved Truely.

and each and every time led to it's own brand of heartache.
most of my website, and quite a bit of this journal (especially the earlier days) are dedicated to the aftermath of those loves.

and i don't regret one Moment of any of them.

love is the one thing that does not fit any other equation.

i have, for my own reasons, decided not to get involved with anyone seriously. but that doesn't stop me from Loving.
and if it weren't for the fact that i have a daughter, and that i don't want to complicate her life at this age by my screwed up relationship habits, i would probably continue to act on those Loves, often foolishly, as i always have.

i have known a love wouldn't work out, and i have chosen more than once to dive into it anyways. why? because i get the chance to enjoy that love while it lasts, instead of wondering.

i promised myself one thing when i was 17 and just barely got a second chance at life. after looking over my life, wondering if that was the end, i realized i didn't regret any of the chances i took - i only regretted the chances i *didn't* take. and i swore i would leave no regrets to find me when i finally did reach the end of my life.
love is a big part of that for me. i don't regret any of the hurts and heartaches that Love led me to.

but i know i'd regret having passed up *any* of them.

but that's just me.

-nali
who has to add the fact that she is also a quadrulple pisces and viewed as a bit odd in this area by many.

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

Love is the triumph of hope over experience.

[madralaoi.livejournal.com]

I don't know really...love is not what I thought it was. I love somebody right now and it's not like when I thought I loved my best friend...

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I used to think I was standing on the outside, looking in, the one who could love but who could not be loved in return.

The frustrating thing at the moment is that I know I can love and be loved in return--I just seem unable to do anything about it--these days, because I need to pour my energy into trying to get a paying job so I can continue eating; earlier in my life for a variety of reasons I'm not in the mood to get into today.

I'm so tired of being on the outside of, well, everything...

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

who has to add the fact that she is also a quadrulple pisces and viewed as a bit odd in this area by many.

Heh. Having the sun and three planets in Libra doesn't seem to have done much to bring relationships into my life...

Thanks for answering my question, though, in your not-entirely-roundabout way.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

If that's love, then what do you call the triumph of hope over inexperience?

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

One thing I do know about love--at least it seems this way in my own experience--is that the flavor of love depends on both who you are at the time and who it is you love.

Re:

[inkbitch.livejournal.com]

The time will come. You are strong.

And see? You are on the inside of you, looking out. That seems a nice place to be!

Re:

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

Youth.

Re:

[nalidoll.livejournal.com]

not entirely roundabout is about as direct as i get these days.

but hey, whatever works.