Mind and Hearts

[hummingwolf]

So within the last few weeks, when other excuses wore out and facts had to be faced, I finally acknowledged that the CNS depressant I've been taking for a little over a year has, in fact, caused a low-grade depression. Well, the medication's known psychiatric side effects were likely boosted by the fact that the drug hasn't been keeping either migraines or seizures under control at the current dose, and any higher dose tends to make my digestive system deeply unhappy. Mostly it's the medication's current ineffectiveness which the neurologist was focused on (though nobody's particularly happy with some of the other recent side effects, even when you're not taking the Great Bleh into account). Since a higher dose is a bad idea, I'm now on a lower dose and will be going on a lower dose still until I've stopped taking the drug altogether. For those interested in such things, I'm tapering off of Depakote and will start taking Keppra--beginning with a low level of that, since we've established that my body is oversensitive to the nastier effects of mindbending meds. Wish me luck!

(Note to local people: Keppra's side effects include mood changes too, most famously RAGE. If any of you happen to notice me being more psychotic than usual, please let me know (from a distance, if you have to)!)

Anyway, the big thing that made me realize that Depakote's been less-than-good for me mindwise is that I've barely even wanted to be creative this last year, except perhaps theoretically. I hardly recognize myself! Did play pointlessly with some POV-Ray pigment patterns, though. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted to experiment with fractals or heart curves, so I did both:



See?

After that, I played with hearts a little more:

So if things go well I hope to find some of that old creativity again, or possibly find some new and fresh creativity that I can call my own. "Better living through chemistry" can be such an elusive goal sometimes.

Comments

[missprune.livejournal.com]

how beautiful! I hope the new med makes you feel creative and wonderful. I know what it's like to be oversensitive to side effects!

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

ooh, that last heart is gorgeous!

sorry the med has been bad for you instead of good. how frustrating. sure hope the new stuff makes you feel better without pissing you off, so to say.

[unwilly.livejournal.com]

Best of luck with the weaning and the switching.

Hopfully the new drug will start a good cycle soon.

[cowboybud.livejournal.com]

Those are beautiful.

[paradigm-palace.livejournal.com]

I like the next to last heart design the best :-)

Pardon my ignorance on this as you have probably mentioned it previously but, why are you taking Depakote? I only know that to be used for Bipolar Disorder.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you like them. And thank you!

I know what it's like to be oversensitive to side effects!

Yeah, it makes life interesting in some inconvenient ways sometimes!

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you like it!

The medication really was helpful when I started taking it--the migraines were noticeably less painful and I felt better overall. Unfortunately, it is much less effective now, if at all, and the side effects have gotten to be more than I'm willing to deal with in any event.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Un! The new drug supposedly has far fewer physical side effects than the typical antiepileptic drug, but is also known for psychiatric side effects. Could be interesting.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you like them, Buddy!

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Glad you like it! That one definitely falls into the "How did that happen?" category. If I actually remembered enough math to know what I was doing, I'd probably come up with less interesting patterns.

Depakote is an anticonvulsant used in treatment of many types of epilepsy, migraines, and bipolar disorder (particularly the manic phase). I've been on it for epilepsy (partial seizures, in my case) and migraines. Since it's not really helpful anymore, I'm switching over to another anti-epileptic drug. Keppra's FDA approval was for use as adjunctive therapy (it's supposed to be used with other anti-epileptic drugs), but it does show some promise for seizures when used alone as well.

Pretty much all of the AEDs also have psychiatric uses, so one of the sites I refer to any time I go on (or hear about) another drug for epilepsy is a site called Crazy Meds. Cute, huh? :-)

[nancylebov.livejournal.com]

The hearts are gorgeous. I'm especially fond of the second one.

And this may sound odd, but congratulations on recognizing and dealing with a drug-caused depression. As you say, it's hard and it's important.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Best of luck with the oncoming changes.

[animangel.livejournal.com]

Those are amazing patterns! You have to show me more of your stuff from now on.

And I shall remember to carry a spork on me at all times, in the case I need to defend myself against any random bouts of rage. ^_^.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you like them!

I'm not sure I would have noticed the depression even now if it weren't for the fact that I have records of what I do or don't do over time. In this case, it's not so important as it might have been--there were other reasons to discontinue the drug anyway. Still, it's a good thing to keep in mind in the future.

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[hummingwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Not sure when I'll come up with anything interesting again, but if something demands to be shared, I'm likely to post it.

Aiiieee! No, not the dreaded Spork-Wielding Cheese!!