I have to admit that, yes, I have found some of the comments from you and your friends to be condescending and patronizing. I understand that you're working through things in a certain way that's been incredibly important and helpful to you. But it's not something that I feel I need to have pushed on me right now. We all come to things in our own time and space, and I understand that you feel you're trying to help me. But it feels more like you're trying to justify doing things that hurt other people by saying that you're not responsible for their feelings. And I'm not saying that to mean that you were intentionally being mean, or even that you were mean unintentionally. But what I've gotten from all of these comments is a pressure to not feel my own feelings at all because somehow they must be invalid if they aren't the feelings you expect or want me to have. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with feeling anxiety or fear or sadness or anger. They're all valid feelings that need to be expressed. And sometimes they're founded on misunderstandings, and discussing them with the people who you're having them about can be really helpful. But being told that I'm responsible for my own feelings and then that discussing my feelings is somehow unhealthy - just did not feel helpful to me. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. But I also know that things that other people do and say can trigger certain feelings in me. And sometimes that means that they need to apologize and maybe modify their behavior, and sometimes means I have to apologize and modify my behavior - but I think it usually means that everyone involved needs to own up to their own feelings, accept the feelings of the other people, and think hard about what behaviors they might need to modify.
no subject
I understand that you're working through things in a certain way that's been incredibly important and helpful to you. But it's not something that I feel I need to have pushed on me right now. We all come to things in our own time and space, and I understand that you feel you're trying to help me. But it feels more like you're trying to justify doing things that hurt other people by saying that you're not responsible for their feelings.
And I'm not saying that to mean that you were intentionally being mean, or even that you were mean unintentionally.
But what I've gotten from all of these comments is a pressure to not feel my own feelings at all because somehow they must be invalid if they aren't the feelings you expect or want me to have.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with feeling anxiety or fear or sadness or anger. They're all valid feelings that need to be expressed. And sometimes they're founded on misunderstandings, and discussing them with the people who you're having them about can be really helpful.
But being told that I'm responsible for my own feelings and then that discussing my feelings is somehow unhealthy - just did not feel helpful to me.
I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. But I also know that things that other people do and say can trigger certain feelings in me. And sometimes that means that they need to apologize and maybe modify their behavior, and sometimes means I have to apologize and modify my behavior - but I think it usually means that everyone involved needs to own up to their own feelings, accept the feelings of the other people, and think hard about what behaviors they might need to modify.